Have you ever watched Lord of the Rings? Who hasn't? Seriously, who hasn't.......even my kids have. There is a part in the movie when Frodo and Sam are on a hill watching the giant gates of Mordor open...disgorging thousands of freakish auks to march into battle. Against that gate, the humanoids look like ants.
I heard somewhere that Tolkein was a Christian. Which brings me to my point: what is he demonstrating with the visualization of huge old gates opening wide to allow a massive stream of creatures pass through?
In my heart, Christ has been whispering about the Narrow Gate. He talks about it in the Bible when he talks about what it takes to follow him.
So what is the Narrow Gate?
The Narrow Gate is the one that you pass through as a individual, accepting Christ first as saviour. There is only room for you and Christ to pass through. None of your friends or family or wealth or good deeds or brainpower or beauty can get you through that gate. It opens for Christ and the one that He loves and who loves Him. (John 3:16)
Obviously, that means that the wide gate will take anyone. With anything that they want to bring. As many as want to pass through at a time.
The Narrow Gate is intimate, personal, reverent. It's like the gate in the Secret Garden that is hidden under growth but holds so much meaning. The wide gate is impersonal, exposing, brazen. There are masses going in and you are just another body.
So what does the Narrow Gate ask of me today?
Today, it means that I need to be a Seeker, someone who is looking for that little gate amongst the huge ones in today's world. It means that I am meditating on the verse that encourages me to "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you..." (Luke 12:31) Seeking the narrow gate means first and foremost that I seek the Kingdom, in the Bible, in my prayers, in the conversations that I have with other believers. I take time to read the Word every day, to meditate on it, to ask for it's truth to light up my life and the lives of those that I love.
"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me" says the Lord in Proverbs 8:17
I want to find God.......this means that I need to determine that I am going to seek Him..........and keep looking for the Narrow Gate.
My search is continuing.....what is keeping you going?
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Depression and the Door
I was brave enough to post recently that I have begun taking antidepressants again. For some people, it is like they just saw me with my boobs hanging out; they don't know what to say and have trouble looking at me. They just want me to go away. Others have been cheering....commenting....supporting....praying.
Five years ago when this problem took over my life and destroyed as much of my old self as it could....I never shared much with anyone. And those that i did share with fell into two camps-Camp A says Do what you need to do to have a life that is worth living. Camp B says you caused it, you need to work it out on your own.
Camp B has the tendency to utter things like "You know you haven't been on those pills long enough unless you want to kill yourself" or "Man, everyone thinks they need a drug to get by!" or my favorite "Yeah, I know what depression is, it's the Great Tiredness. I read it described really well in a book..."
Comments like this have held me back from getting help sooner.
Shame on those people.
Depression is very dark. It is hard to describe. It is hard to share. It is hard to endure.
Let me share with you what depression is like for me.
It's like there is a wall between me and the world, and when I am healthy, there is a great big door in the wall where the door stands open and I can pass in and out at will, from my personal life to my pubic life. There are people on the other side, and I can go out and meet with them....no problem. In my depression, the door has shrunk to Alice In Wonderland size.....tiny. The will to go through is gone. The actual going through is painful, destructive, life sapping. On my side of the wall are the voices of a thousand demons shouting at me to go through Right Now Right Now Right Now. If I manage to pass through the door, when I return, those same demons are waiting to literally pick the stuffing out of me slowly and agonizingly, to pic apart my decisions and my words and my life - me.....I can hear my husband and my children and my friends and my life on the other side of the wall calling to me and wondering what the problem is.
My body hurts all the time. I always have either a headache, a back ache, or my skin hurts. This pain intensifies when I am in a social situation with certain people that I know do not support me. It is almost unbearable.
Now lets talk about drugs......
Today is day 10. My back ache is finally gone, my mind is quiet and focused. The door in my personal wall is expanding to a normal size. My life and my friends and my work are calling to me and my heart is responding....with joy.
I have been praying for healing for so long, but now I can feel it. I am so thankful to God.
I have been fasting and looking for direction, now I feel like I have it.
I have been waking up to an empty heart. My heart is at peace today.
When my husband tells me that I look good, I smile, and the smile comes from my heart.
When I go to work to clean toilets and bless people, I am happy....
I feel like I don't need to tell people I am struggling every time I meet someone.
I don't hear those demons anymore.
Let's give it up for pharmacology!
I believe that this is part of the answer that God has for me in regards to my depression........and with this reprieve....I intend to push into His presence more and renew my efforts to learn all I can about how to be healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I am going to need friends, and my husband, and rest, and work, and prayer, and most of all, God.
Meds are keeping me going today. What is keeping you going?
Five years ago when this problem took over my life and destroyed as much of my old self as it could....I never shared much with anyone. And those that i did share with fell into two camps-Camp A says Do what you need to do to have a life that is worth living. Camp B says you caused it, you need to work it out on your own.
Camp B has the tendency to utter things like "You know you haven't been on those pills long enough unless you want to kill yourself" or "Man, everyone thinks they need a drug to get by!" or my favorite "Yeah, I know what depression is, it's the Great Tiredness. I read it described really well in a book..."
Comments like this have held me back from getting help sooner.
Shame on those people.
Depression is very dark. It is hard to describe. It is hard to share. It is hard to endure.
Let me share with you what depression is like for me.
It's like there is a wall between me and the world, and when I am healthy, there is a great big door in the wall where the door stands open and I can pass in and out at will, from my personal life to my pubic life. There are people on the other side, and I can go out and meet with them....no problem. In my depression, the door has shrunk to Alice In Wonderland size.....tiny. The will to go through is gone. The actual going through is painful, destructive, life sapping. On my side of the wall are the voices of a thousand demons shouting at me to go through Right Now Right Now Right Now. If I manage to pass through the door, when I return, those same demons are waiting to literally pick the stuffing out of me slowly and agonizingly, to pic apart my decisions and my words and my life - me.....I can hear my husband and my children and my friends and my life on the other side of the wall calling to me and wondering what the problem is.
My body hurts all the time. I always have either a headache, a back ache, or my skin hurts. This pain intensifies when I am in a social situation with certain people that I know do not support me. It is almost unbearable.
Now lets talk about drugs......
Today is day 10. My back ache is finally gone, my mind is quiet and focused. The door in my personal wall is expanding to a normal size. My life and my friends and my work are calling to me and my heart is responding....with joy.
I have been praying for healing for so long, but now I can feel it. I am so thankful to God.
I have been fasting and looking for direction, now I feel like I have it.
I have been waking up to an empty heart. My heart is at peace today.
When my husband tells me that I look good, I smile, and the smile comes from my heart.
When I go to work to clean toilets and bless people, I am happy....
I feel like I don't need to tell people I am struggling every time I meet someone.
I don't hear those demons anymore.
Let's give it up for pharmacology!
I believe that this is part of the answer that God has for me in regards to my depression........and with this reprieve....I intend to push into His presence more and renew my efforts to learn all I can about how to be healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I am going to need friends, and my husband, and rest, and work, and prayer, and most of all, God.
Meds are keeping me going today. What is keeping you going?
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