Depression and the Door

I was brave enough to post recently that I have begun taking antidepressants again. For some people, it is like they just saw me with my boobs hanging out; they don't know what to say and have trouble looking at me. They just want me to go away. Others have been cheering....commenting....supporting....praying.

Five years ago when this problem took over my life and destroyed as much of my old self as it could....I never shared much with anyone. And those that i did share with fell into two camps-Camp A says Do what you need to do to have a life that is worth living. Camp B says you caused it, you need to work it out on your own.

Camp B has the tendency to utter things like "You know you haven't been on those pills long enough unless you want to kill yourself" or "Man, everyone thinks they need a drug to get by!" or my favorite "Yeah, I know what depression is, it's the Great Tiredness. I read it described really well in a book..."

Comments like this have held me back from getting help sooner.

Shame on those people.

Depression is very dark. It is hard to describe. It is hard to share. It is hard to endure.

Let me share with you what depression is like for me.

It's like there is a wall between me and the world, and when I am healthy, there is a great big door in the wall where the door stands open and I can pass in and out at will, from my personal life to my pubic life. There are people on the other side, and I can go out and meet with them....no problem. In my depression, the door has shrunk to Alice In Wonderland size.....tiny. The will to go through is gone. The actual going through is painful, destructive, life sapping. On my side of the wall are the voices of a thousand demons shouting at me to go through Right Now Right Now Right Now. If I manage to pass through the door, when I return, those same demons are waiting to literally pick the stuffing out of me slowly and agonizingly, to pic apart my decisions and my words and my life  - me.....I can hear my husband and my children and my friends and my life on the other side of the wall calling to me and wondering what the problem is.

My body hurts all the time. I always have either a headache, a back ache, or my skin hurts. This pain intensifies when I am in a social situation with certain people that I know do not support me. It is almost unbearable.

Now lets talk about drugs......
Today is day 10. My back ache is finally gone, my mind is quiet and focused. The door in my personal wall is expanding to a normal size. My life and my friends and my work are calling to me and my heart is responding....with joy.

I have been praying for healing for so long, but now I can feel it. I am so thankful to God.
I have been fasting and looking for direction, now I feel like I have it.
I have been waking up to an empty heart. My heart is at peace today.
When my husband tells me that I look good, I smile, and the smile comes from my heart.
When I go to work to clean toilets and bless people, I am happy....
I feel like I don't need to tell people I am struggling every time I meet someone.
I don't hear those demons anymore.

Let's give it up for pharmacology!

I believe that this is part of the answer that God has for me in regards to my depression........and with this reprieve....I intend to push into His presence more and renew my efforts to learn all I can about how to be healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I am going to need friends, and my husband, and rest, and work, and prayer, and most of all, God.

Meds are keeping me going today. What is keeping you going?