I drove slowly along tenth avenue south this afternoon, slowing to see if there were skid marks at the 21 st south mark. There weren't. Apparently, even though I stood on my brakes, there was no time for them to engage before I rammed the stopped car, going about 50 km/hr......
My airbags exploded, burning and bruising me. I noticed the pregnant, stroller pushing pedestrian that the car in front of me had stopped for. People began driving around me almost immediately.
Some nice man walked over and told me to roll down all my windows. He prompted me to drive around the corner and park. I called my husband. I hung up on him and called 911.
I got the full meal deal-ambulance, EMTs, spinal board, xrays, bedpans, percoset, prescriptions, ticket.
Everyone was way too nice. I was one of those assholes who drives distracted and munches a new car in front of a pedestrian.....I keep waiting for a spanking or something. I deserved the $400 ticket, the $200 one, the $115 one.
Instead, I got a free consultation on my scoliosis, free percosets, and a lot of genuine care and sympathy.
Funny thing is.....this weekend God was speaking to my heart about the root of the anger and depression that I have working out with him while reading Healing Life's Hurts. I dove in and have been swimming around the truths told in the book, diving down into the deep dark well of my own heart to try and find that plug to pull.....to let out the deep hurts.
This weekend God showed me the car wreck that I have been living in.
Because of what happened to me when I was young, and some significant events throughout my upbringing.....I have been living in a car wreck mentality. And I do things that keep me in there! I don't reach out, I don't travel far from home, I don't talk back to my parents and family, I don't ask for things that I really want, and I certainly only trust on my own terms. My ability to love has been twisted around a door frame that rarely opens properly.
On Monday I was removed from my Dodge Journey. On Monday I was removed from my inner car wreck by a Great and Loving God.
I did not receive what I deserved, but instead was showered with what I needed most.
There are no words to say how humbled and blessed and loved I feel this week.
People have prayed for me and looked after me....God has struck the match that has lit the fire in my heart to walk fully away from the twisted mass of my past and into more freedom with Him.....I am praying for a new Spirit, a new Heart, a new Mind.
In the end, God makes the right totalling of my life-a life filled with forgiveness and grace and love that is meant to come through me and into others rather that get poured into the tank of a car wreck that goes nowhere.
This girl is going somewhere.......
Hopefully in a Ferrari?!?!?
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