I drove slowly along tenth avenue south this afternoon, slowing to see if there were skid marks at the 21 st south mark. There weren't. Apparently, even though I stood on my brakes, there was no time for them to engage before I rammed the stopped car, going about 50 km/hr......
My airbags exploded, burning and bruising me. I noticed the pregnant, stroller pushing pedestrian that the car in front of me had stopped for. People began driving around me almost immediately.
Some nice man walked over and told me to roll down all my windows. He prompted me to drive around the corner and park. I called my husband. I hung up on him and called 911.
I got the full meal deal-ambulance, EMTs, spinal board, xrays, bedpans, percoset, prescriptions, ticket.
Everyone was way too nice. I was one of those assholes who drives distracted and munches a new car in front of a pedestrian.....I keep waiting for a spanking or something. I deserved the $400 ticket, the $200 one, the $115 one.
Instead, I got a free consultation on my scoliosis, free percosets, and a lot of genuine care and sympathy.
Funny thing is.....this weekend God was speaking to my heart about the root of the anger and depression that I have working out with him while reading Healing Life's Hurts. I dove in and have been swimming around the truths told in the book, diving down into the deep dark well of my own heart to try and find that plug to pull.....to let out the deep hurts.
This weekend God showed me the car wreck that I have been living in.
Because of what happened to me when I was young, and some significant events throughout my upbringing.....I have been living in a car wreck mentality. And I do things that keep me in there! I don't reach out, I don't travel far from home, I don't talk back to my parents and family, I don't ask for things that I really want, and I certainly only trust on my own terms. My ability to love has been twisted around a door frame that rarely opens properly.
On Monday I was removed from my Dodge Journey. On Monday I was removed from my inner car wreck by a Great and Loving God.
I did not receive what I deserved, but instead was showered with what I needed most.
There are no words to say how humbled and blessed and loved I feel this week.
People have prayed for me and looked after me....God has struck the match that has lit the fire in my heart to walk fully away from the twisted mass of my past and into more freedom with Him.....I am praying for a new Spirit, a new Heart, a new Mind.
In the end, God makes the right totalling of my life-a life filled with forgiveness and grace and love that is meant to come through me and into others rather that get poured into the tank of a car wreck that goes nowhere.
This girl is going somewhere.......
Hopefully in a Ferrari?!?!?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Narrow Door Part 1
Have you ever watched Lord of the Rings? Who hasn't? Seriously, who hasn't.......even my kids have. There is a part in the movie when Frodo and Sam are on a hill watching the giant gates of Mordor open...disgorging thousands of freakish auks to march into battle. Against that gate, the humanoids look like ants.
I heard somewhere that Tolkein was a Christian. Which brings me to my point: what is he demonstrating with the visualization of huge old gates opening wide to allow a massive stream of creatures pass through?
In my heart, Christ has been whispering about the Narrow Gate. He talks about it in the Bible when he talks about what it takes to follow him.
So what is the Narrow Gate?
The Narrow Gate is the one that you pass through as a individual, accepting Christ first as saviour. There is only room for you and Christ to pass through. None of your friends or family or wealth or good deeds or brainpower or beauty can get you through that gate. It opens for Christ and the one that He loves and who loves Him. (John 3:16)
Obviously, that means that the wide gate will take anyone. With anything that they want to bring. As many as want to pass through at a time.
The Narrow Gate is intimate, personal, reverent. It's like the gate in the Secret Garden that is hidden under growth but holds so much meaning. The wide gate is impersonal, exposing, brazen. There are masses going in and you are just another body.
So what does the Narrow Gate ask of me today?
Today, it means that I need to be a Seeker, someone who is looking for that little gate amongst the huge ones in today's world. It means that I am meditating on the verse that encourages me to "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you..." (Luke 12:31) Seeking the narrow gate means first and foremost that I seek the Kingdom, in the Bible, in my prayers, in the conversations that I have with other believers. I take time to read the Word every day, to meditate on it, to ask for it's truth to light up my life and the lives of those that I love.
"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me" says the Lord in Proverbs 8:17
I want to find God.......this means that I need to determine that I am going to seek Him..........and keep looking for the Narrow Gate.
My search is continuing.....what is keeping you going?
I heard somewhere that Tolkein was a Christian. Which brings me to my point: what is he demonstrating with the visualization of huge old gates opening wide to allow a massive stream of creatures pass through?
In my heart, Christ has been whispering about the Narrow Gate. He talks about it in the Bible when he talks about what it takes to follow him.
So what is the Narrow Gate?
The Narrow Gate is the one that you pass through as a individual, accepting Christ first as saviour. There is only room for you and Christ to pass through. None of your friends or family or wealth or good deeds or brainpower or beauty can get you through that gate. It opens for Christ and the one that He loves and who loves Him. (John 3:16)
Obviously, that means that the wide gate will take anyone. With anything that they want to bring. As many as want to pass through at a time.
The Narrow Gate is intimate, personal, reverent. It's like the gate in the Secret Garden that is hidden under growth but holds so much meaning. The wide gate is impersonal, exposing, brazen. There are masses going in and you are just another body.
So what does the Narrow Gate ask of me today?
Today, it means that I need to be a Seeker, someone who is looking for that little gate amongst the huge ones in today's world. It means that I am meditating on the verse that encourages me to "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you..." (Luke 12:31) Seeking the narrow gate means first and foremost that I seek the Kingdom, in the Bible, in my prayers, in the conversations that I have with other believers. I take time to read the Word every day, to meditate on it, to ask for it's truth to light up my life and the lives of those that I love.
"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me" says the Lord in Proverbs 8:17
I want to find God.......this means that I need to determine that I am going to seek Him..........and keep looking for the Narrow Gate.
My search is continuing.....what is keeping you going?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Depression and the Door
I was brave enough to post recently that I have begun taking antidepressants again. For some people, it is like they just saw me with my boobs hanging out; they don't know what to say and have trouble looking at me. They just want me to go away. Others have been cheering....commenting....supporting....praying.
Five years ago when this problem took over my life and destroyed as much of my old self as it could....I never shared much with anyone. And those that i did share with fell into two camps-Camp A says Do what you need to do to have a life that is worth living. Camp B says you caused it, you need to work it out on your own.
Camp B has the tendency to utter things like "You know you haven't been on those pills long enough unless you want to kill yourself" or "Man, everyone thinks they need a drug to get by!" or my favorite "Yeah, I know what depression is, it's the Great Tiredness. I read it described really well in a book..."
Comments like this have held me back from getting help sooner.
Shame on those people.
Depression is very dark. It is hard to describe. It is hard to share. It is hard to endure.
Let me share with you what depression is like for me.
It's like there is a wall between me and the world, and when I am healthy, there is a great big door in the wall where the door stands open and I can pass in and out at will, from my personal life to my pubic life. There are people on the other side, and I can go out and meet with them....no problem. In my depression, the door has shrunk to Alice In Wonderland size.....tiny. The will to go through is gone. The actual going through is painful, destructive, life sapping. On my side of the wall are the voices of a thousand demons shouting at me to go through Right Now Right Now Right Now. If I manage to pass through the door, when I return, those same demons are waiting to literally pick the stuffing out of me slowly and agonizingly, to pic apart my decisions and my words and my life - me.....I can hear my husband and my children and my friends and my life on the other side of the wall calling to me and wondering what the problem is.
My body hurts all the time. I always have either a headache, a back ache, or my skin hurts. This pain intensifies when I am in a social situation with certain people that I know do not support me. It is almost unbearable.
Now lets talk about drugs......
Today is day 10. My back ache is finally gone, my mind is quiet and focused. The door in my personal wall is expanding to a normal size. My life and my friends and my work are calling to me and my heart is responding....with joy.
I have been praying for healing for so long, but now I can feel it. I am so thankful to God.
I have been fasting and looking for direction, now I feel like I have it.
I have been waking up to an empty heart. My heart is at peace today.
When my husband tells me that I look good, I smile, and the smile comes from my heart.
When I go to work to clean toilets and bless people, I am happy....
I feel like I don't need to tell people I am struggling every time I meet someone.
I don't hear those demons anymore.
Let's give it up for pharmacology!
I believe that this is part of the answer that God has for me in regards to my depression........and with this reprieve....I intend to push into His presence more and renew my efforts to learn all I can about how to be healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I am going to need friends, and my husband, and rest, and work, and prayer, and most of all, God.
Meds are keeping me going today. What is keeping you going?
Five years ago when this problem took over my life and destroyed as much of my old self as it could....I never shared much with anyone. And those that i did share with fell into two camps-Camp A says Do what you need to do to have a life that is worth living. Camp B says you caused it, you need to work it out on your own.
Camp B has the tendency to utter things like "You know you haven't been on those pills long enough unless you want to kill yourself" or "Man, everyone thinks they need a drug to get by!" or my favorite "Yeah, I know what depression is, it's the Great Tiredness. I read it described really well in a book..."
Comments like this have held me back from getting help sooner.
Shame on those people.
Depression is very dark. It is hard to describe. It is hard to share. It is hard to endure.
Let me share with you what depression is like for me.
It's like there is a wall between me and the world, and when I am healthy, there is a great big door in the wall where the door stands open and I can pass in and out at will, from my personal life to my pubic life. There are people on the other side, and I can go out and meet with them....no problem. In my depression, the door has shrunk to Alice In Wonderland size.....tiny. The will to go through is gone. The actual going through is painful, destructive, life sapping. On my side of the wall are the voices of a thousand demons shouting at me to go through Right Now Right Now Right Now. If I manage to pass through the door, when I return, those same demons are waiting to literally pick the stuffing out of me slowly and agonizingly, to pic apart my decisions and my words and my life - me.....I can hear my husband and my children and my friends and my life on the other side of the wall calling to me and wondering what the problem is.
My body hurts all the time. I always have either a headache, a back ache, or my skin hurts. This pain intensifies when I am in a social situation with certain people that I know do not support me. It is almost unbearable.
Now lets talk about drugs......
Today is day 10. My back ache is finally gone, my mind is quiet and focused. The door in my personal wall is expanding to a normal size. My life and my friends and my work are calling to me and my heart is responding....with joy.
I have been praying for healing for so long, but now I can feel it. I am so thankful to God.
I have been fasting and looking for direction, now I feel like I have it.
I have been waking up to an empty heart. My heart is at peace today.
When my husband tells me that I look good, I smile, and the smile comes from my heart.
When I go to work to clean toilets and bless people, I am happy....
I feel like I don't need to tell people I am struggling every time I meet someone.
I don't hear those demons anymore.
Let's give it up for pharmacology!
I believe that this is part of the answer that God has for me in regards to my depression........and with this reprieve....I intend to push into His presence more and renew my efforts to learn all I can about how to be healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I am going to need friends, and my husband, and rest, and work, and prayer, and most of all, God.
Meds are keeping me going today. What is keeping you going?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Merry Christmas, Pass the Baileys
Every year, we hear about Christmas four months before it arrives, while it's arriving, when we are almost there, when it finally arrives, and then how to get ready for it again as soon as it is over. Four to eight weeks of gradually increasing pressure to experience one day of the year, followed by a huge Boxing Day Sale and a hangover. The lie that things will make you happy, especially if you give them, followed by the reality that you could have bought it half price 24 hours later.
I am guilty of Holiday Sarcasm. I think too much about why I give something, try to hard to make gifts, and generally hate that feeling like I am just another sheep in the line up at Walmart. Holiday pressures have turned me into a bit of an emotional and financial Scrooge. And I'm not the only person out there who waits to buy next years cards out of the 75% off discount bin, as well as wrapping paper, tape, decorations, and anything else I can get a deal on.
With all the hype, preparation and layers of socializing and spending, one can lose focus on what Christmas is, and what it has become.
Christmas is a chance to finally take one whole day off. If you don't work at Starbucks or Walmart.
Christmas is a chance to buy loads of clothes that are 80% off, with a 10% off sticker. 'Cause there are never any good sales the rest of the year, right?
Christmas is a chance to get together with the family and friends that you haven't had the guts or the time for all year.
Christmas is a chance to stay up way too late, watch too much TV, and eat snack food at meal times.
Christmas is a chance to drink lots of holiday alcohol, whether you need it to get through something or not. We can control ourselves throughout the year and drink modestly and appropriately..or at least talk like we do......but Christmas?
Christmas is a time for Christians to stand knee-deep in the consumerism tsunami, against the flow of rigid religious expectations and shout as loudly as they can that Christmas is about CHRIST! Did you hear me? It's about CHRIST!
Many of the usual Christmas indicators, like non stop Christmas music and light up decorations often lull me into thinking that I need to really genuinely prepare my heart for Christ and the "Spirit of Christmas". I am finding more and more that the pressures of Christmas for a Christian are often that we need to somehow be squeezing more emotion or heartfelt spiritual experiences out of these four weeks leading up to December 25. It's no wonder I feel like a tired spiritual failure this time of year: Did I cry enough thinking of Poor Mary in labour? Did I marvel at the idea of a newborn baby? Did I search for deep meaning in every gift I gave and received, as if it was Jesus Himself giving or getting it?
After listening to another song that asks if the world could hold itself back when Jesus was born, I realized that for me, the beauty of Christ coming to earth was that he most likely did NOT bring with him the power packed aura and subconscious spiritual thrills that the songs written today like to say. He was probably another beautiful, healthy baby, blessed with loving, tired parents. I don't think he conversed with animals, or had a lordly self righteous demeanour, or a glowing halo. The truth about why it is so unbelievable that He came to earth is, I think, that he left behind the scent of holiness and aura of power and supernatural attraction powers.......and was All God crammed into a plain vessel. God demands our holiness, and we cannot stand before Him. Jesus, when he came, was dependant on others, embroiled in family and friend hierarchies, and had no respect in his hometown. The bible says that he had nothing that would attract us to him, no beauty that would cause us to instantly be drawn to Him. And He still came, and still died for me. He still chose to suffer being cramped in a slowly aging, dirty embarrassing body for 33 years, for me. He was born quietly, lived passionately, died horribly, and was raised gloriously. That is what Christmas means to me.
Don't get me wrong, I still treat Christmas as a holy holiday. Like a birthday party. There should be special food, fun drinks, great presents, parties and friends and family. We should spend time resting and relaxing. we should talk about how much we love Jesus and why. We should sing carols and decorate and stay up late...
But we should remember that Christmas is not a day for repeating things just to get through the season. We need to take a break from the pressures and worship the Risen Lord, let Him rest in our hearts each day and bring us new revelations that will propel us into the new year. So that we are ready to move on when the stockings are empty and the wrapping paper has been recycled, and not just ready to move on, willing to move on, looking forward to a new year, and work and family and getting things in order.
After all, Easter and all its trappings are lying in wait just around the corner....
Pass the Baileys....
I am guilty of Holiday Sarcasm. I think too much about why I give something, try to hard to make gifts, and generally hate that feeling like I am just another sheep in the line up at Walmart. Holiday pressures have turned me into a bit of an emotional and financial Scrooge. And I'm not the only person out there who waits to buy next years cards out of the 75% off discount bin, as well as wrapping paper, tape, decorations, and anything else I can get a deal on.
With all the hype, preparation and layers of socializing and spending, one can lose focus on what Christmas is, and what it has become.
Christmas is a chance to finally take one whole day off. If you don't work at Starbucks or Walmart.
Christmas is a chance to buy loads of clothes that are 80% off, with a 10% off sticker. 'Cause there are never any good sales the rest of the year, right?
Christmas is a chance to get together with the family and friends that you haven't had the guts or the time for all year.
Christmas is a chance to stay up way too late, watch too much TV, and eat snack food at meal times.
Christmas is a chance to drink lots of holiday alcohol, whether you need it to get through something or not. We can control ourselves throughout the year and drink modestly and appropriately..or at least talk like we do......but Christmas?
Christmas is a time for Christians to stand knee-deep in the consumerism tsunami, against the flow of rigid religious expectations and shout as loudly as they can that Christmas is about CHRIST! Did you hear me? It's about CHRIST!
Many of the usual Christmas indicators, like non stop Christmas music and light up decorations often lull me into thinking that I need to really genuinely prepare my heart for Christ and the "Spirit of Christmas". I am finding more and more that the pressures of Christmas for a Christian are often that we need to somehow be squeezing more emotion or heartfelt spiritual experiences out of these four weeks leading up to December 25. It's no wonder I feel like a tired spiritual failure this time of year: Did I cry enough thinking of Poor Mary in labour? Did I marvel at the idea of a newborn baby? Did I search for deep meaning in every gift I gave and received, as if it was Jesus Himself giving or getting it?
After listening to another song that asks if the world could hold itself back when Jesus was born, I realized that for me, the beauty of Christ coming to earth was that he most likely did NOT bring with him the power packed aura and subconscious spiritual thrills that the songs written today like to say. He was probably another beautiful, healthy baby, blessed with loving, tired parents. I don't think he conversed with animals, or had a lordly self righteous demeanour, or a glowing halo. The truth about why it is so unbelievable that He came to earth is, I think, that he left behind the scent of holiness and aura of power and supernatural attraction powers.......and was All God crammed into a plain vessel. God demands our holiness, and we cannot stand before Him. Jesus, when he came, was dependant on others, embroiled in family and friend hierarchies, and had no respect in his hometown. The bible says that he had nothing that would attract us to him, no beauty that would cause us to instantly be drawn to Him. And He still came, and still died for me. He still chose to suffer being cramped in a slowly aging, dirty embarrassing body for 33 years, for me. He was born quietly, lived passionately, died horribly, and was raised gloriously. That is what Christmas means to me.
Don't get me wrong, I still treat Christmas as a holy holiday. Like a birthday party. There should be special food, fun drinks, great presents, parties and friends and family. We should spend time resting and relaxing. we should talk about how much we love Jesus and why. We should sing carols and decorate and stay up late...
But we should remember that Christmas is not a day for repeating things just to get through the season. We need to take a break from the pressures and worship the Risen Lord, let Him rest in our hearts each day and bring us new revelations that will propel us into the new year. So that we are ready to move on when the stockings are empty and the wrapping paper has been recycled, and not just ready to move on, willing to move on, looking forward to a new year, and work and family and getting things in order.
After all, Easter and all its trappings are lying in wait just around the corner....
Pass the Baileys....
Monday, December 19, 2011
I Am A Mom, Can You Tell?
I have been storing up all the little signs that tell me I am a Mom, and wanted to share them with my loyal followers. If you feel the urge to add some things to my list, go ahead!
PHYSICALLY
I wear those workout pants because they keep my butt in the right spot....up three inches and separated.
I love my hot tub because it makes my breasts look like they did 15 years ago
Day off translates into No Bra and Whatever is huge and shapeless
Losing weight now shows up as wrinkles and sag
Date night is never over soon enough to go to bed
MENTALLY
Talking to myself is a hobby, I can be very motivating!
Staring is my smoke break
I have acquired a Nothing Box in my head, which makes my husband easier to understand
There is no Impossible, just I Can Wear Them Down With Repeated Callbacks
EMOTIONALLY
Crying is unacceptable and at the same time unavoidable. Bummer
The cute pep talks for kids and husbands have evolved into "Do you want to hear the talk about _____?" Funny, nobody does....not even me
Chocolate and Wine are now Prescriptions that I fill every week. Faithfully
SPIRITUALLY
I listen to God more when I pray because I have often fallen asleep....
I think more about what God wants to do only because what I do seems to suck more and more
"Protection" is the number one prayer request after "provision" and "lift my boobs three inches"
Listening to my children pray makes me cry.....
The other day I was longing for a Real Day Off....again....and I realized that if I did get one, I wouldn't even know how to take it off! I would catch up on all the work or fun or projects that I love to do....and many of them involve my children and my husband. Love, in all of its forms, is the most easily expressed when we integrate our lives with others, spend time with them, enjoy them. It's the gifts and the hugs and time spent- and I believe that it's the open heart behind it that is the love that changes our lives.
Guess I'd rather have my sag and mental lapses and chocolate prescription than an empty house and empty arms. My battle scars in every area of my life are tangible ways for me to trace the passage of time...they are the rewards of a life spent trying to love more openly in real ways...
I think it's worth it, staring bouts and all.....
PHYSICALLY
I wear those workout pants because they keep my butt in the right spot....up three inches and separated.
I love my hot tub because it makes my breasts look like they did 15 years ago
Day off translates into No Bra and Whatever is huge and shapeless
Losing weight now shows up as wrinkles and sag
Date night is never over soon enough to go to bed
MENTALLY
Talking to myself is a hobby, I can be very motivating!
Staring is my smoke break
I have acquired a Nothing Box in my head, which makes my husband easier to understand
There is no Impossible, just I Can Wear Them Down With Repeated Callbacks
EMOTIONALLY
Crying is unacceptable and at the same time unavoidable. Bummer
The cute pep talks for kids and husbands have evolved into "Do you want to hear the talk about _____?" Funny, nobody does....not even me
Chocolate and Wine are now Prescriptions that I fill every week. Faithfully
SPIRITUALLY
I listen to God more when I pray because I have often fallen asleep....
I think more about what God wants to do only because what I do seems to suck more and more
"Protection" is the number one prayer request after "provision" and "lift my boobs three inches"
Listening to my children pray makes me cry.....
The other day I was longing for a Real Day Off....again....and I realized that if I did get one, I wouldn't even know how to take it off! I would catch up on all the work or fun or projects that I love to do....and many of them involve my children and my husband. Love, in all of its forms, is the most easily expressed when we integrate our lives with others, spend time with them, enjoy them. It's the gifts and the hugs and time spent- and I believe that it's the open heart behind it that is the love that changes our lives.
Guess I'd rather have my sag and mental lapses and chocolate prescription than an empty house and empty arms. My battle scars in every area of my life are tangible ways for me to trace the passage of time...they are the rewards of a life spent trying to love more openly in real ways...
I think it's worth it, staring bouts and all.....
Saturday, December 10, 2011
I Love My Dishwasher
Have I ever told you how much I love my dishwasher? I really really love it. I can load it up and go for a nap and it does the work for me while I sleep....actually, sometime the best naps are when the washer and dryer are going, as well as the dishwasher, breadmaker, crockpot, phone charger, and any other appliance that will work quietly while one sleeps. Awakening to fresh bread, clean clothes and dinner made is heaven for a mother.
These times are busy for moms.
I think that a mom from 100 years ago would die under the stress that we moms get up and shoulder through every day. Yeah, we have more amenities, but we also have layers and layers and layers of social media and cultural expectations and personal hangups and generational mess ups to work through. One stroll through a Christmas mall would bring that Victorian Mother to her knees...
Thing is, we all have messes, either in our houses or in our lives, and probably more in our lives if we were honest.
Many of my friends these days are carrying heavy loads: ours, our husband's, our children's, our family's....
And for some reason, when we get together, especially at Christmas, we trot out one of our dialogues that covers up these messes in our lives: you know these, ladies: I Am So Tired, I Am So Busy, My Children Are Driving Me Nuts, My Husband Is An Idiot, Have You Seen My Brand New _________, and the one I hear the most My House Is So Dirty.
Sometimes I can just hear the undertones...
If only I could get a nap in today, maybe I could cope with my family better
If only I could just stop for one day, maybe I could rest
If only I could get away from my children, maybe I could get my head on straight
If only I could have a moments peace with my husband, maybe we could reconnect
I love my _______________ but my heart is empty
Won't someone please come and clean me up?!?!?!
Christmas is a time when we should be expecting Jesus. this year I abhor the commercialism even more, since it brings no joy, no feelings of happy anticipation, and no peace. Except for the special baking, cooking, liquor consumption and excessive gift buying, this could be October or even May, as far as my heart can tell.
But it is the traditional celebration of Christ's birth, and THAT is worth thinking about, singing about and praying about. It's worth baking cookies for, and gathering with family for, and having lots of chocolates for. It's worth cleaning my house for.
See, I clean houses. Lots of houses. I think that they are all lovely, and unique, and full of people's beauty and trash. And I have realised that I can clean up people's things really well. But what they need more is their lives cleaned up, or even just set in order to bring peace.
And that is what Christmas is celebrating for me. The Great Heart Housekeeper, come to visit our Messes here on earth. Come to say I think your house is lovely, and there is beauty here and trash. Let me come in, give me your heart and I will set it in order! I am the King, and with me, you are acceptable, trash and treasures! Rest in me and there will be peace, even in the messes. And strength, even in the trying times. And joy, even in the tears. Because I can come and give salvation, and eternal life, which will overtake your good and bad and ugly....Merry Christmas, loved one.
I hope that if I come to do your house, that you find more time to worship Christ in your day. Like the dishwasher, you can rest while I work, and hopefully there will be more peace in your heart.
And if I hear you saying one of those catchphrases, I may ask how I can help you so that you can do what is really on your heart....and I challenge all of you moms out there to do the same: listen carefully to your friends and support and pray for them!
Merry Christmas, loved ones!
These times are busy for moms.
I think that a mom from 100 years ago would die under the stress that we moms get up and shoulder through every day. Yeah, we have more amenities, but we also have layers and layers and layers of social media and cultural expectations and personal hangups and generational mess ups to work through. One stroll through a Christmas mall would bring that Victorian Mother to her knees...
Thing is, we all have messes, either in our houses or in our lives, and probably more in our lives if we were honest.
Many of my friends these days are carrying heavy loads: ours, our husband's, our children's, our family's....
And for some reason, when we get together, especially at Christmas, we trot out one of our dialogues that covers up these messes in our lives: you know these, ladies: I Am So Tired, I Am So Busy, My Children Are Driving Me Nuts, My Husband Is An Idiot, Have You Seen My Brand New _________, and the one I hear the most My House Is So Dirty.
Sometimes I can just hear the undertones...
If only I could get a nap in today, maybe I could cope with my family better
If only I could just stop for one day, maybe I could rest
If only I could get away from my children, maybe I could get my head on straight
If only I could have a moments peace with my husband, maybe we could reconnect
I love my _______________ but my heart is empty
Won't someone please come and clean me up?!?!?!
Christmas is a time when we should be expecting Jesus. this year I abhor the commercialism even more, since it brings no joy, no feelings of happy anticipation, and no peace. Except for the special baking, cooking, liquor consumption and excessive gift buying, this could be October or even May, as far as my heart can tell.
But it is the traditional celebration of Christ's birth, and THAT is worth thinking about, singing about and praying about. It's worth baking cookies for, and gathering with family for, and having lots of chocolates for. It's worth cleaning my house for.
See, I clean houses. Lots of houses. I think that they are all lovely, and unique, and full of people's beauty and trash. And I have realised that I can clean up people's things really well. But what they need more is their lives cleaned up, or even just set in order to bring peace.
And that is what Christmas is celebrating for me. The Great Heart Housekeeper, come to visit our Messes here on earth. Come to say I think your house is lovely, and there is beauty here and trash. Let me come in, give me your heart and I will set it in order! I am the King, and with me, you are acceptable, trash and treasures! Rest in me and there will be peace, even in the messes. And strength, even in the trying times. And joy, even in the tears. Because I can come and give salvation, and eternal life, which will overtake your good and bad and ugly....Merry Christmas, loved one.
I hope that if I come to do your house, that you find more time to worship Christ in your day. Like the dishwasher, you can rest while I work, and hopefully there will be more peace in your heart.
And if I hear you saying one of those catchphrases, I may ask how I can help you so that you can do what is really on your heart....and I challenge all of you moms out there to do the same: listen carefully to your friends and support and pray for them!
Merry Christmas, loved ones!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Life at the Barre
Most of my friends know that I have been taking an adult Ballet class lately....a childhood dream of mine coming to fruition now that ! am old enough to pay for myself.
I love it. I look old and droopy and fat in front of the full length mirror, but my love of this form of dance has overcome most of my insecurities. It also helps that there are usually only four of us, and I am usually the youngest one...
Every class, we warm up, do core work, leg work, and work at the barre.
The barre is my favorite. It is where we do our five positions, our plies, and all of the other french words that mean "your butt is really going to hurt tomorrow"! At the barre, I feel like a ballerina. The barre is where every ballerina starts to work on her form and her repertoire as a dancer. It involves holding onto a barre with one hand, and using it to support yourself as you move through the moves that the teacher asks of you. Eventually, when you are strong enough, you do the positions free form, but generally speaking, a ballerina spends a lot of time at the barre.
Lately, I have been meditating on the faithfulness of God. I turn the concept of a faithful God over and over in my head as I compare who God says He is, to how I act in life, especially under trials. God is faithful when we are not....I am so unfaithful, how can I begin to understand how faithful god is?
The Seventh Day Adventist Church here on 16th has a lettered sign up with the verse "You never change; thy word is settled in heaven, O god, and I will hasten to obey". Every time I drive by, I read it and think about how God is always there, unchanging.
He's like the Barre in the dance of my life......no matter what steps I do, or where I fall, he is faithful, unchanging. He is the thing that I can hold onto to help me get my steps and my form right. He demands holiness from me, something I can never achieve without His son Jesus, or His Holiness itself.
It seems like a childish comparison perhaps, but one that comforts me these days. I need to know that God is faithful, and that He is also available to me through Christ. If He never changes, if His word never changes, then I can trust that He is always there, no matter where I go or what I do. I long for stability in my life, and a love that never changes. This Christmas season that longing for a faithful love is stronger than ever in the face of the trials and problems that I struggle. Every time I screw up, I need to return to Christ and ask him to help me walk in his way again.....and even though it is work, in my heart and spirit and life, it is good work, work that I want to do...
I can't imagine how I would do in Ballet if I showed up this week and found the barre missing, and the teacher expecting some free form work. I'd probably fall over.
I can't imagine how I would do if I woke up one morning and didn't have Jesus to trust for the day...and God watching and expecting holiness. I'd die.
This Christmas, I need Jesus.
Bring on the sore butts...
My love for ballet is keeping me going today, what is keeping you going?
I love it. I look old and droopy and fat in front of the full length mirror, but my love of this form of dance has overcome most of my insecurities. It also helps that there are usually only four of us, and I am usually the youngest one...
Every class, we warm up, do core work, leg work, and work at the barre.
The barre is my favorite. It is where we do our five positions, our plies, and all of the other french words that mean "your butt is really going to hurt tomorrow"! At the barre, I feel like a ballerina. The barre is where every ballerina starts to work on her form and her repertoire as a dancer. It involves holding onto a barre with one hand, and using it to support yourself as you move through the moves that the teacher asks of you. Eventually, when you are strong enough, you do the positions free form, but generally speaking, a ballerina spends a lot of time at the barre.
Lately, I have been meditating on the faithfulness of God. I turn the concept of a faithful God over and over in my head as I compare who God says He is, to how I act in life, especially under trials. God is faithful when we are not....I am so unfaithful, how can I begin to understand how faithful god is?
The Seventh Day Adventist Church here on 16th has a lettered sign up with the verse "You never change; thy word is settled in heaven, O god, and I will hasten to obey". Every time I drive by, I read it and think about how God is always there, unchanging.
He's like the Barre in the dance of my life......no matter what steps I do, or where I fall, he is faithful, unchanging. He is the thing that I can hold onto to help me get my steps and my form right. He demands holiness from me, something I can never achieve without His son Jesus, or His Holiness itself.
It seems like a childish comparison perhaps, but one that comforts me these days. I need to know that God is faithful, and that He is also available to me through Christ. If He never changes, if His word never changes, then I can trust that He is always there, no matter where I go or what I do. I long for stability in my life, and a love that never changes. This Christmas season that longing for a faithful love is stronger than ever in the face of the trials and problems that I struggle. Every time I screw up, I need to return to Christ and ask him to help me walk in his way again.....and even though it is work, in my heart and spirit and life, it is good work, work that I want to do...
I can't imagine how I would do in Ballet if I showed up this week and found the barre missing, and the teacher expecting some free form work. I'd probably fall over.
I can't imagine how I would do if I woke up one morning and didn't have Jesus to trust for the day...and God watching and expecting holiness. I'd die.
This Christmas, I need Jesus.
Bring on the sore butts...
My love for ballet is keeping me going today, what is keeping you going?
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