Taking The Stairs

Ever get to the end of a week and wonder how you made it through? Have trouble remembering just what you have all done? This week has been crazier than ever, what with work, school, home, bake sales, parent council stuff, not to mention the thirty thousand other things that one has to get done this time of year.

One of my clients got her Fall cleaning done courtesy of Killer Clean this week. Her curtains were vacuumed, ledges were wiped, art frames washed, cupboards emptied and wiped....tons of things that most of us rarely ever get around to...well....ever!!!

The thing is, this week was doubly tiring for those of us who suffer from paranoia or anxiety (this means me). Not only was I tired from going up and down stairs and ladders and wiping wiping wiping.....in my mind I have been going up and down the levels in my mind and trying to wipe out many of the doubts and anxieties that have been cropping up...

Who isn't worried about finances or our weight, or our children, or Christmas coming around the corner? Who isn't tending their bodies, their mind, their spirit, their emotions, their families....the levels of our lives. With anxiety, I find that tending these levels in my own mind are like climbing stairs between the levels of a house. Exhausting. Compulsive. Demanding. Paranoia Inducing.

How do I get off the stairs? How do I level the levels in my mind so that I can deal with one package rather than what feels like an overwhelming number of intangible things that need to be dealt with?

I don't know.

Seriously.

I don't know what to do anymore in some of these stressful situations.

I'm looking for something lasting.....

I know what won't work in the long run: alcohol, sex, money, movies, chocolate, slurpees, manicures, pedicures, facials, girlfriends, random strangers in the grocery store, speeding recklessly....darn.

In reading Ecclesiastes with my boys this week I was reminded about just how fleeting the things of life are.....as fleeting as my emotions.....like bubbles blown outside in the wind that float off.....then pop!

Centering my mind on Christ, and realizing that He is watching over the things of this world, including me, and it allows me to put all the stairs and all the levels of my life in His hands, even just for a moment....and lets me rest. Beside the still waters..... where He restores my soul....Surely goodness and MERCY will follow me all the days of my life...

I might shoot off again to deal with something else....I might get grounded by some crippling thoughts of sudden injuries inflicted on my children....I might be too tired to produce baking for school or paint for a ceiling project....BUT, I have found a place to rest now. And I am practising returning to that place as often as I can to keep the peace in my heart and mind...and in my life...

My little piece of heaven is growing in my heart..and it is keeping me going today...what is keeping you going?

I Think I Killed My Rentor....

Yes, today is the 9 month mark of my dream to have a "baby". Here she is, in all of her Fall glory...

I was over yesterday afternoon to do more touch ups and whatever. Suddenly, the phone rings and I am reminded that I need to clean off the floors of all the rooms to get the carpets cleaned. Darn.

I rescheduled the cleaning.

Then I went downstairs to let the downstairs guy know that there is kitchen instllation coming, lots of painting, and then cleaning.....

He is a really nice grandpa who has been working 12 hour graveyard shifts at the feed plant in Picture Butte. He's like the grandpa I have never had, offering beer and yakking for hours.

I started complaining about how tired I was and how much work needed to be done and how our rentors fell through....he looked at me and said 'No kidding you're tired, you're pretty much killing me with all this activity! Gawd, every time I turn around you are here working.."

I stopped short and thought about what he said. This project is not all about me, it's about him too, and his life and his comfort zone. Sometimes I can focus on my discomfort so much that I forget that others are affected by my choices, very strongly, in fact.

God forgive me for complaining and treating others like their pain is less important than mine...

I will have to bring Al a beer this weekend, when I clean his suite for him on Saturday. I already sent over a tray of goodies from Lauren's bake sale pile.....

Anything to keep him going....

Sugary treats are keeping me going today, what's keeping you going?

Babysitting Appreciated Greatly

Slumlorddomness is not the ideal fantasy life I was anticipating....

You could say that this rental property has taken our lives by slow storm, creeping in with it's hidden needs and messes.....something that we thought we were prepared for two weeks ago...

Around day 9, both my husband and I looked at each other and asked ourselves what we were doing. One day off a week was  not going anywhere near to reviving us from work/home/work/sleep/repeat.

Day 10 brought us face to face for a heart to heart talk about money, relationships and priorities. The Big Three. The outcome of the exhausted conversation, complete with a few tears and hysterical laughing....was that we needed some babysitting for this new baby.

Actually, the outcome of the conversation was that we both agreed it's cheaper to hire someone to work at our investment property than pay someone for mental health support and divorce.

I am very proud of my husband for asking someone else to install the kitchen I just spent Saturday putting together in the living room. Someone else will paint the smoked in basement suite. Someone else will fix the eaves troughs. Thank God, someone else is hauling away the garbage, I don't care how many times BFI has to come over....

Funny thing is, Craig and I have been working on a sermon he has to give this weekend at his J-Men's retreat. And the more that we talk about how God provides....the more we think about this house and all the aspects of it; the renting, the fixing, the purpose of it all. It has prompted my husband to encourage me to let the house rest while we rest, trusting God to help us get what we need to get done, done in time. That was a gift in itself, a new part of our relationship, something I value deeply right now.

This is a good time for this kind of reflection on God, as our prospective awesome clients have now pulled out and there are only 6 days left in the month.......I tell myself, if God can look after the birds, who don't give a damn about anything.....He is surely big enough to look after my needs....the ones that I really care about and spend my time thinking about.

Today, I am going to trade all the time that I would spend on worrying about the rental property and it's needs...and I am going to spend that time worshipping a God who loves to lavish his children with gifts they don't deserve....like awesome spouses, beautiful Fall colors, gorgeous stars in the sky, sunsets that make me breathless, free salvation, and of course, the miracle of chocolate. I am going to accept the gifts that God wants to give to me like peace, and joy and love and security in Him....and even the growing pains that come with letting Him teach me how to be more like him in the midst of a stressful new baby....

My God is a provider...and that is keeping me going today.....what is keeping you going?

Whipped Cream, Anyone?

Who doesn't like whipping cream and butter? I know at our house the whipping cream disappears fairly quickly into the three kids, who, after eating some on pumpkin pie, promptly ask us to fill their mouths with it until it comes out their nose....and butter...with all the fresh gorgeous corn this year we went through a few blocks. Both of these products can go with so many things.....

The Creative Cleaver posted this thought on butter vs margarine;
"I trust a cow more than a chemist"
Just a thought...

Do you know how butter is made? Or whipping cream? It's been awhile since I read up on it for a speech I was preparing for, but apparently the fat molecules in cream have a hard casein shell.When you agitate a large portion of cream, like when you shake a container of it, or whip it, the shells break off and the fat globules begin to stick together-butter is born......in whipping, the air creates the light pockets in the dreamy fatty blobs....as the mixture melts in your mouth the air pockets pop, letting the fat burst on your tongue......leaving that great taste in your mouth and the nerves endings in your brain singing....

Ever feel like you jostle so many people in a day you want to scream? Your kids, your husband, people in Walmart clogging the self serve aisle with 45 items...a screaming youth group?  In Max Lucado's book It's Not About Me, he says that God sends people who are challenging in ours lives to teach us how to love like Christ......

Sounds like the Butter Principle. Let the jostling of others in our lives remind us constantly to "Love one another as I have loved you..." (Christ) Let the people God sends across our paths break off our hard shells so we have something we can stick to them with....empathize with....identify with....

As I am standing in line today buying new flooring at Costco, I want to be butter...or whipping cream....a compliment to someones life, a good taste left in the mouth..

The kindness of others is keeping me going today....what's keeping you going?

Death By Renovation

In running, "hitting the wall" is defined as the time when your muscles run so low on glycogen stores that they are physically unable to continue moving. You stop. Sometimes literally. You rethink what you are doing, and how to finish it.....which can be difficult when you are in a racing situation. I know from experience that the last mile in a long distance race is the longest....

I hit the wall last night, headfirst, after two days working on my baby.

Maybe it was two hours of piling in and out of a minivan with four other fabulous ladies as we did a city wide scavenger hunt.
Maybe it was an hour of ballet on Saturday.
Maybe it was the in depth cleaning of a smoked in house, scrubbing window frames, vacuuming the laundry room out, hauling junk.....tearing the rotten carpet off of the front steps.

I know it wasn't from ordering in Wing King.

I was so sore this morning that after three minutes of sitting at the breakfast table, I almost passed out and fell off the chair. I gave up and went back to bed.

The last time I was this sore was after 15 hours of undiluted labour, having Alex......and he was worth it, every minute of the work and the pain and soreness.
I have to keep reminding myself that this house project is worth it, the work, the pain, and the soreness. Transforming my freaky fifties kitchen into a new functional one will be worth it. Replacing the rotten, peeling, paint smeared bathroom floor will be worth it. Painting the spacious dungeon of a laundry room will be worth it. Someone else may get to enjoy it, but it will be worth it when it's done.

Kind of like my kids. Kind of like my heart.

If I embrace the work, the pain, and the transformation process, I believe with my whole heart that the product will be worth it, and not just for me. For others too....God will be faithful to finish what He has started, and He has promised that if I seek Him first, everything else will be added to my life.....

I did eventually get up this morning, and the first thing I did was feed my body and my heart: scrambled eggs and "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen......." Hebrews 11:1,2.
Sounds like the principle of sowing and reaping, doesn't it? I sow a little faith, or some calories, or some work in an older home.....and I choose to believe that in the end there is more Christ in my life, a good run without too many pit stops, and a solid investment....

I believe it will be good for me, my family, and my circles of influence....

Bring on the renovations!

My reno plans are keeping me on my toes today, what is keeping you on yours?

A New Baby IsTiring....

WARNING: I CRIED WHEN I WROTE THIS AND YOU MIGHT TOO....

Many people have heard my baby story over the last three weeks, but I thought that I would blog it for posterity.
I want to be very clear up front here: I am not talking about a real baby, so if you are surprised by this news and wondering how I could be looking so svelte, keep reading!

For starters, only people really close to me know that I have been recovering from the darkest years of my life, crippled and broken by severe depression. My life went from Most Likely To Be Named SuperMom of the Universe to zero. All I had left was my shell of a body, a fragment of my mind, and a family who watched from the outside. Oh, and Jesus. Let's not forget that when we are weak and helpless and broken, he never walks away.

I decided that I would take Christ's hand, and walk with Him every day through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, for as long as it took for Him to bring me to a place of healing. Rather than run from the pain in my life, I wanted to deal with it.

It's taken meds, no meds, massage, chiropractor, thyroid replacement, hormone balancing, immunity boosting, oversleeping, crying, counselling, vacationing, journalling, praying, take out dinners, Bible reading, cell grouping, church moving, running, and the thousands of prayers of friends to bring me to a place today where I can share the best thing that has happened to me in 7 years.

A house.

February end of this year, God gave me a dream, the first that I have had in years. He gave me a vision in the night about bringing a baby to term, and I wanted this baby! I knew it was not a pregnancy baby, but a revival of hope in my life that only God can bring..so I started praying....

God, give me this baby! All of it! Whatever it is! Whatever comes with it! The good and the bad! I want all that you have for me! I'm waiting to see what it is! I can't wait! Bring it on, Jesus!

After years of having no dreams, no emotions, nothing I cared about in my heart....this baby dream brought a flood of prayers and hopes and emotions that I thought I would never feel again. After living in the dark for so long.....it was and is like I have really truly woken up, and my life is so sweet and good that I can't believe it...

Last month, by a Total God Connection (TGC), I heard that the guy behind us in the alley was selling the house, a revenue property. I phoned Craig immediately, we looked at it, offered on it and got to work. Today, 6 days short of a month, we took possession of the house.

October end, when we move in renters, it will have been 9 months.

This house is my baby. It is the hopes and dreams and plans and wishes and desires of my heart and my husband's for many years now......ones that died in me these last number of years.........but it has come about this year for us, in an awesome symphony of TGCs that boggle my mind. We have received encouragement, support, advice, care, discounts, blessings, and so many wonderful things in the last 24 days that I am overwhelmed. Everywhere we turn, we find favor. Unexpected favor. Undeserved favor.....

This is the great story of my life right now. I tell everyone about the baby that I have, and how God has brought it about for me. As it has unfolded, I have started to tell others that God has a baby for them too; A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED BLESSING THAT WILL CHANGE THEIR HEART!

God's undeserved favor for me today is His salvation....His unexpected favor for me is this house we have bought...but it is  more than a house. It is layers of His affirmation of my desires, His direction in my life...His total love.

I would be happy with just His love....but He isn't happy with just giving that....He has so much more for me....and I want it all!

God's favour is keeping me going today; what is keeping you going?

Multitasking Is Another Word For ADD....

This weekend was Thanksgiving, and like most people who love to cook, I was really looking forward to some serious kitchen time. Kitchen time presents only one real problem for me, though. It's called Suggestive Cleaning Syndrome.



Suggestive Cleaning Syndrome is a sickness that crops up in the Fall when the first big family holiday meal rolls around. It is compounded by the lowering rays of the sun, the unusually long time that you spend in the kitchen, and the impending visits of female relatives.
Suddenly, as you begin cooking, the floor looks dirtier, the cupboards have smudges, and you remember that you haven't bought a real tablecloth yet to replace the one that got trashed last year....
As you prep the turkey, and bake pumpkins, you begin wiping things you never intended to wipe.  Passing by the fridge to get cranberries out, you detour to the laundry room to start some more wash, just to have clean sheets on your bed....just in case that female relative actually went to check the sheets...

SCS can turn an hour of dinner prep into a morning of Fall cleaning a pioneer woman would be proud of....and it can steal your sanity. I have found myself cleaning under the sink when I should be sitting down to enjoy pie with family after dinner. Or with three projects on the go when I should be visiting with my husband...

My friend blogged about taking it easy and PLANNING how to dial down the holidays.
I took her advice and dialed down my inner ADD cleaner...
This year, we ate turkey before the weekend.
We used a tablecloth that was stained.
I put most of the second Thanksgiving dinner on timer and in crockpots.
I bought pumpkin pies at Costco. And whipping cream in cans.
And most importantly, I PLANNED my cleaning day to happen after the holiday weekend.
When I knew that there were leftovers to eat in between purging and organizing and cleaning.

I enjoyed my weekend.....the pie, the turkey, and the dirty cupboards...my family...

SO.....in the pirit of passing on a helpful cleaning tip each month, I will pass this one on: You pick the task, don't let the task pick you! If the little voice in your head is telling you that you really need to get something done, ask it why: and wait for the answer......social pressure? personal standards? OCD? Put them all down if they will interfere with a chance to sit and eat and chat with those that you love...who knows, maybe this year someone will be thankful that they came first in your life before a meal or a chore!!
We will always have dirt, but we will not always have our family members around like we do on the holidays...

My family is keeping me going today...what is keeping you going?